CHANTAL

Since I have completely slacked on my buzznet here is everything that I have blogged about since my last Buzznet entry.

Organized Newest to Oldest.

Let’s NOT Rock N Roll
Current mood: distressed

Pretty much at this point Chuckles has made it impossible for me not to laugh every time I hear the word "Rock N Roll" expecially if the word "Let's" is in front of it. 

I have stopped counting the number times I have heard that phase in the past month let alone this week.  I guess it is one of those things that you have to be there to think it is funny. 



Anyways while we are on the subject of "Rock N Roll", Rock music really sucks.  I mean, shit has gone down hill.  I hardly have any rock music on my iPod anymore and the stuff I do have is like old school Deftonesand the unholy Coheed & Cambria.  That whole genre has just really become not so enjoyable.  I mean that Screamo/high pitched singing thing gives me a headache.  Death metal makes me seriously just want to kill myself, Punk drives me nuts, and I would rather shoot heroin on the daily then listen to rap-rock.  I don't know, maybe I am just not looking hard enough for good bands. 

If you know of any let me know!


Actually now that I am thinking about it, I think music in generally is really starting to not sit too well with me. 

SUNDAY IN HELL-A-LIAH

So yesterday, Sunday, I had to take my grandma home for a day.  OMG!  My mom failed completely.  The whole drop off process started at fucking 11am and didn't get done dropping that crypt keeper off until almost 4pm.  First we took my car which wreaked like fucking cigarettes and I had to empty all the trash out and hide any evidence of smoking.  Secondly, it took that old hag like 30 minutes to fucking sit down and she sat shotgun and then I had to put the seatbelt on her like a baby.  Eeew!  I try to do everything I can from getting old cooties.  So we ended up leaving my actual driveway at 11:30am.  So I drive the 30+ minutes to Hialeah and my grandma informs me that she needs to go to Kmart.  She went to one 5 years ago and wants to go to the same exact one but doesn't remember where it was.  WTF?  Bitch you crazy!  I searched all through 103^rd Street and finally found a Kmart.  I thought that Kmart had closed down years ago because it was helping out the Lower Poor Class too much and Wal-Mart is for the Upper Poor Class.  Anyways, I take her to Kmart and it takes her like 40 minutes to walk to the door and then when we get inside she can't move the cart properly and it was such a headache.  Then she informs me that she wants the exact same pants that she bought the last time she was there.  OMG!  Luckily for me, Kmart hasn't gotten a new shipment in since the early 80s so I was saved.  I found those pants grabbed them and told her to move it.  We get in the line at the register and my grandma tries to go straight to the front of the line.  I had to yell at her to knock that shit off.  She almost rammed a woman with the cart.  Finally we get up to the cashier and my grandma is like, "no tengo dinero".  WHAT?  You can't go shopping without money!  So I refused to come back to this hell hole so I paid for the pants and got the fuck out of there.  We get back into my car after she Ray Charles her way into it and then she asks me who has her keys to her apartment.  OMFG!  I turn back and look at my mom and ask her and my mom is like "I must of forgot to bring them."  I ask my grandma if one of her crazy neighbors has a set of keys and she is like oh yeah, Juana does.  So I am like fucking sweet, let's drop this hoe cakes off and get the fuck out of this hell hole.  Guess what, Juana goes to church on Sunday and isn't home all fucking day, which my grandma informed me after we get to her apartment.  We get to her apartment and she gets out and starts yelling at the President of the Association and asking why he doesn't have the keys to her apartment.  He yells back "I don't live with you!"  FRESHNESS! 

 

At this point I shove my grandma back in the car, yell at my mom for being a complete failure, and do about 110 the whole way home.  My grandma is flipping out over how fast I am driving, I haven't had a cigarette in about 3 hours, and my mom is trying to make small talk.  We get back to my house and my grandma tries to get out of the car.  I am like oh hell no, sit down and wait!  I run inside grab her keys jump back in the car and drive as fast as possible back down to Hialeah.  On the way back down there she asks me "so what are we going to go do now?"  WE AIN'T DOING SHIT!  I AM TAKING YOUR ASS HOME, GRANDMA!  Of course I said it in English so she had no clue and I am pretty sure I added the word hooker in there too.  Finally, I get to her apartment, grab her mail, run up her stairs, open the door, turn on the A/C, and wait for her to crawl up there.  She gets upstairs and sits down in her chair, I make sure everything is good and then she asks me what I am going to get her for lunch.  WTF?  I told her I would go get her McDonald's because it is literally on the corner and I needed to smoke bad.  So I run to McDonald's and motherfuckers don't speak English and their Spanish is wack as fuck.  I ordered in both languages and they took 30 minutes to get the food because they couldn't understand "NO CHEESE/SIN QUESO!"  I return back to her apartment drop the food off and then tell her I must go because at this point shopping is more important to my life than she will ever be.  It is now 4pm and I start heading over to Aventura Mall.  My fucking day has been ruined and I am royally pissed that my mom dropped the ball like this, especially when gas is $3.80 a gallon.  Actually, it wasn't even the money I cared about, it was the time that I was forced to spend with her in a closed area without cigarettes or beer.   Seriously, I am considering paying someone to off her because I failed so bad the first attempt I made.

MY GRANDMA SHOULD DIE, END OF STORY!

F.Y.I. ITS TIME TO D.I.E.
Category: Pets and Animals

I think we all know that title is about my grandma. I know I know, it is a little harsh, not!  Well, this fucking old hag moved into my house with me and she thinks she runs the fucking show now.  Let me break down some things to you, she shuffles worse than Ray Charles, shakes worse than Michael J. Fox, and take more pills than Anna Nicole Smith...............bitch ain't running herself let alone this house.  She finally had to move in with us because she has lost it and is a danger to city of Hialeah.
 
HAG HISTORY
Oh sweet grandma was born in Cuba, married at like 13 to a man that was like 40 or 50 from Puerto Rico, had my dad, got divorced, my dad came to America...legally.....shocker....., then she came to America, bought an apartment in a little town near Miami called Hialeah and the rest is all history.  For those of us that have unfortunately experienced the Cubans in Hialeah I do not need to explain this woman's way of thinking, for those of you that don't know, old Cuban women are fucking crazy, racist, religious, wastes of space. 

MY FONDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES WITH THE HIALEAH DEVIL
I remember back in the early 90s when Madonna was still pushing the Like A Prayer image, all of us (my brothers and sister) were playing in the front yard of my grandma's apartment building in front of the huge Virgin Mary Statue when my sister decided to take the rosary off the statue and wear it.  OMG, those crazy Cuban women flipped out and ran over to my grandma's apartment and the next thing I knew my dad was flying down the stairs telling her to put it back.  They were all emotionally distraught over that necklace being removed.  Then there was the time that she told all her neighbors that there was no way that my dad could be my father because I have a "black" ass, of course she used a different word for black but I think you get the point.  Oh god and I almost forget, she always loves to mention how fat you are, non-stop constantly every time you see her she mentions your weight, if you gained if you lost.  God, she is fucking fat!  I don't get that shit man.  Luckily we lived outside of the U.S. the majority of the time so I didn't have to see her for a couple of years.  She also made it fairly clear that she thought my face was pretty fucked up too.  Wow, aren't grandmas awesome?  I mean at that point I was back in the U.S. and in High School so I already was having enough problems trying to find my own identity and where I fit in let alone have her constantly nagging me about the fact that not even my own mother could love my face.  This eventually led to the now infamous pillow over face incident of the early 2000s.................it was unsuccessful.


ABUELA, TU ESTA MUY LOCA
In all honesty my family has been avoiding this whole thing with her moving in for a long ass time.  About two years ago was when we started noticing her losing it.  There were many signs, um she would call me Brianne (my sister) then she would call me Dahlia (my 3 yr old niece) and now she asks me when I am going to show up.  Then there was the time that she walked over to my niece's high chair and was talking to it when my niece was playing outside, right after that she walked over to the trash can and started smacking the lid and saying "NO", I guess she thought it was my niece.   Then there was the time that we had the stroller folded up and leaning against the wall and she walked up to it and asked what it was going to be for Halloween thinking it was my niece, my mom responded with "well grandma, I think it is going to be a stroller!"  LOL!  At my brother's last birthday dinner she had no clue who the fuck I was and kept asking my dad when he was going to show up...........................omg.  Then there is the infamous shit story......................................which I believe is a personal favorite of Krystal's, lol.

THE INFAMOUS SHIT STORY
So my mom had to take my grandma to the doctors one afternoon and she gets in her car and starts down the block when my grandma is like "oh I think I have to go to the bathroom".  My mom tells her that if she has to go it is not a problem because the house is literally right behind them, my grandma is like "no, nevermind."  So my mom keeps on driving, eventually gets on the highway to the point that the next exit isn't for another 15 miles when my grandma turns and says "I have to go and I have to go now."  My mom ends up getting off the highway,stopping at this gas station/restaurant and letting my grandma in to go to the bathroom.  So like 30 minutes goes by and my grandma is still inside the bathroom.  My mom heads down the hallway and there is a line forming for the bathroom with the worst smell ever coming out of the bathroom.  My mom knocks on the door and asks my grandma if she is okay.  My grandma opens the door 20 minutes later and there is shit in the sink, on the walls, on the floor, on her pants, on her hands, the toilet bowl is stained brown, and her underwear were so full of shit that my mom had to throw them away.  At this point my mom feels bad for everyone else that wants to use the bathroom and decides to try and clean up.  She uses all the paper towels in the bathroom to clean the shit off everything and even has to scrub the toilet bowl with the paper towels without gloves to the point that she got shit under her nails.  My mom cleaned what she could clean and then took my grandma to the doctors.  Of course the doctors are looking at my grandma's shit pants and thinking that we don't take care of her.

F.Y.I. ITS TIME TO D.I.E. PT. II
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Pets and Animals

    So, I have a feeling that this might be a weekly blogging event.  My grandma (abuela de diablo) is driving my mother and I fucking crazy.  On top of her driving me crazy she is having a major issue with sundowning. 

Sundowning: People with diseases such as Alzheimer's often have behavior problems in the late afternoon and evening. They may become demanding, suspicious, upset or disoriented, see or hear things that are not there and believe things that aren't true. Or they may pace or wander around the house when others are sleeping.


DAY 1:
OMFG!  My mom knocks on my door and is like "Chantal, I have a man coming to fix the garage door because your brother fucked it up when he came and got some shit.  Please listen for the phone, the guy is coming between 3pm-5pm."  So, my mom leaves at like 2pm and the second she walks out the door my grandma comes and wakes me up by banging on my door screaming that there is a man here.  NO ONE IS FUCKING HERE!  I wish someone was here and they were going to murder and rob us because I can't fucking deal anymore.  I tell her to sit down and don't worry about it.  Then the phone rings, I don't answer the house phone because it is pointless and because I would rather someone leave a message because I will forget to tell my parents, kind of like the time my brother forgot to tell my mom that her brother died.  Every single time the phone rings she comes banging on my door screaming about the man.  I finally had to tell her to not worry about it because I got things under control.  Finally, the man calls and he says he is on his way.  I give him directions and jump in the shower to get ready for work.  I get out, get dressed, and start putting on my face when he rings the doorbell.  NOOOO!  My grandma starts screaming my name and for me to get the door.  Hello, when I mean "get dressed" that's my way of saying underwear.  Jesus man, I had to throw on some pants and a jacket and go out there like everything was cool.  I let the guy go into the garage I walk back through my front door and my grandma starts talking about some fan thing that is supposed to be on the front porch.  She opens the front door and luckily Memphis is scared of the world and runs strictly in circles because it takes the oldie like 20 minutes to step down.  So, I guess she goes out there and realizes that there is no fan so instead of thinking "hey maybe I'm fucking crazy and the fan doesn't exist", she automatically thinks someone stole that shit.  OMG, here we go man!  My dad gets home, the phone rings, it's my mom I run to my room and tell her to never tell my grandma anything everything again because she has been flipping out all day.  I hang up and leave ASAP to work. 

DAY2:
I spent all morning at the doctors.  (or was this on Day 3, I can't remember).  It sucked!  They ran some tests and a whole bunch of nonsense that later I was told was invalid because of a certain friend. 
FUCK!  Anyways, I get home with my mom from all that old hag is just walking around looking around like she has no clue where the hell she is.  Then she keeps asking me who's dog that is..................HELLO, THAT'S MEMPHIS AND SHE OFFICIALLY RULES THE HOUSE.  You wake up and the dog is passed out on the couch with a pillow under her head.  You can tell her to get down and she practically gives you the finger.  Enough with how awesome Memphis is, she then asks me where my dad is.  OMG!  We go through this everyday with this woman.  MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON TREES AND YOU AREN'T DEAD SO WE HAVEN'T COLLECTED YET!  PLUS HEROIN & CRACK AREN'T GIVEN OUT ON HALLOWEEN ANYMORE SO WE ALL HAVE TO WORK.

DAY 3:
I actually woke up before 4pm, shocker!  My mom was out doing some shit so it was just me, Memphis, and that bitch.  I was cleaning some dishes in the sink and she came over and did the "let me do it, I want to help routine that she pulls."  I tell her that I don't need her help and that if she really wanted to help she would have done these earlier instead of sitting on her ass all day.  She turns to walk away, looks back, and then I hear "turn towards me please".  I ignore it.........................I already know that she spotted my tattoos.  :Turn towards me!"  I'M FUCKING BUSY GRANDMA!  Then she walks away and sees them while she's on the couch.  I go to my room and hear my dad enter............that's when the battle begins.  I can hear her yelling "how could you let her do that?"  My dad is most likely rolling his eyes and thinking about Roger.  He tells her that I'm a fucking adult and that if I want to mess my body up it is my business.  Thanks Dad!  I can't take anymore of it so I go out there and I am like "LISTEN UP!  IF YOU THINK TATTOOS ARE THE WORST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BODY THEN YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY!  I'M AN ADULT AND WHAT I DO WITH MY BODY IS MY BUSINESS, NOT YOUR'S, NOT MY PARENTS'.  THERE IS NO FURTHER DISCUSSION, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT ON THE FUCKING COUCH, SHUT UP, AND DIE!"  Of course she has no clue what I said because she doesn't speak English.  Awe, the beauty of it!  At this moment I decide that I might have to attempt PILLOW OVER FACE again, hopefully this time I won't fail.

DAY 4:
I wake up kind of late and get ready for work.  I'm running a little behind so I hurry up and gather everything quickly to leave.  I go to my kitchen to grab the DP, it is 5:25, fuck I'm going to be late.  I notice my front door is open and my grandma is standing there looking confused.  DUDE, she thought it was the bathroom.  She walked out the front door and removed her old lady piss catcher and had her pants undone and the piss catcher in her hand.  OMG!  The fucking neighbors probably saw this nonsense and now they officially think we are fucked up.  I don't say anything, she comes back in and realizes that it wasn't the bathroom and heads the real bathroom and does whatever it is she does in there.  She comes out and I go to leave, my dad isn't home yet, and she starts getting all flippy.  She starts saying my brother Mario was in an accident.  I'm like grandma, that is impossible unless of course someone drove a car into his place of work.  I mean come on lady.  Then she starts saying that my dad is in an accident.  WHAT A FUCKING TEASE!  Somehow the conversation turns angry and she starts demanding phone numbers!  She's like "I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR FATHER IS, WHERE YOUR MOTHER IS, WHERE MARIO IS, AND WHERE YOU ARE GOING?"  I can't deal with her and her nonsense and at this point I just yell all the time.  "GRANDMA, WE ARE AT THE SAME PLACES WE ALWAYS GO, WORK!  MARIO DOESN'T FUCKING LIVE HERE, JASON DOESN'T FUCKING LIVE HERE......HE LIVES IN NYC, BRIANNE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.....SHE LIVES IN BALTIMORE, THE TRASHCAN IS NOT DAHLIA, MY NIECE.......SHE LIVES IN BALTIMORE WITH BRI, MY MOTHER IS AT WORK, MY FATHER IS COMING HOME FROM WORK, AND I AM UNFORTUNATELY STUCK HERE WITH YOU!  I AM WRITING DOWN TWO NUMBERS, MY MOTHER'S CELL AND MY FATHER'S CELL.  NO, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MINE OR MARIO'S NUMBERS BECAUSE WE ARE THE LAST TWO PEOPLE THAT WOULD CARE IF YOU ARE OKAY OR NOT.  THERE YA GO, AND BYE!"
I go to work, everything goes well, Chuck says some stuff that I can't forgive him for in this life, and then I finally leave to go home.  My grandma wakes up all thoughout the night so I am the only person that I know that actually has to sneak into their house. I decide to take the garage route, it is really quiet and not near her room.  I go inside, realize I left my Sidekick in my car go outside and that is when hell fucking breaks out.  There is this step from the garage to the driveway and for some reason when I stepped down my right foot rolls, I hear a loud crack, I end up diving/falling into the front yard and scream "FUCK!!!"  I'm in extreme pain and that's when I see her light come on in her room.  I had to crawl back into the garage, back inside the house, and all the way to the back corner to my parents door.  I open their door and start crawling down their hallway to their master room and fucking Memphis thinks I'm playing a game and decides to attack me.  I have to fight the dog the whole way down the hall and finally I get to my mom and wake her ass up.  She helps me get back to my bedroom and grabs this huge bag of ice and a towel.  I slept with the ice on my foot and I pretty much blame my grandma and Chuck for this event. 

DAY 5:
Back at the doctors bright and early.  I get some painkillers fucking pass out, wake up, realize there is no way I can go to work.  I can't drive left-footed and my right foot is still numb.  I'm stuck with grandma all by myself.  I just lock myself in my room.  She seems pissed about yesterday and the fact that I am injured. 


There is only one good thing that has come from the whole abuela de diablo living with me and that is, my grandparents in Melbourne (even though we aren't related by blood they still consider me their grandchid) are seriously amazing and I think I need to go spend way more time with them. 

2008 CHARITY WORK
Current mood: energetic
Category: Romance and Relationships

So every year I always try to do as much charity work as possible.  I know I made a lot of you proud with my Charity work through out 2007.  It wasn't an easy task pleasuring the majority of homeless men & women in the Tri-County Area but hey, dirty poor people need love too. 

With that being said I will be devoting 2008 to a great non-profit organization called PORN FOR THE BLIND.  Porn for the Blind is dedicated to producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult web sites. 

Omg, it is like sweet Jesus threw my golden ticket out of hell right into my lap.  This fucking rules.  All I need is a microphone to use on my computer and some much needed alone time. 

Please visit www.pornfortheblind.org and donate a recording.  Help the horny blind of the world with one description at a time. 

white²

White people are crazy as hell man!  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!  I know white people think everyone else is crazy especially latin people but damn man.  Latinas are just crazy because they keep their men's dicks on lock.  That's how shit should be.  I'm not saying to control your man but I know that when I got a man, I know where his dick is more than I know where he's at.  Fuck that shit man!  If his dick strayed I'd be out.  You will never catch with me with a cheater.  I won't deal with that shit and I sure as hell don't got the time to be worrying about the black plague entering my coochie. 

Which leads me to this, I am sorry that you are pathetic/desperate and now so is your boyfriend but stop putting the blame on everyone else.  "You don't ask how a grilled cheese sandwich is made when you already know!"  You want to know why no one told you the second his dick strayed.............really you want to know.  First off, we were his friends not your's, so you need to get that in your head.  Yeah it's fucked up but it isn't are place to jump into your relationship and cause a fuss.  Secondly, if we were to tell you, you would just turn around and tell him that we told you and blame us for causing drama.  Lastly, BITCH YOU DUMB AS FUCK!  He fucks around in front of you and you just think it is because he is drunk.  Hoe, you need to get smart fast or you are going to end up getting your ass beat by every man you meet. 

I feel sorry for your boyfriend more than I do you.  After the beat down was done and everything was finished he ended up in jail and you called all his friends and posted bulletins after bulletins on myspace trying to get the sympathy card pulled to the max.  I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!  This was a long time coming.  You guys always fight verbally and physically, this time shit got out of hand.  You probably should have just gone back to your parents' house a long time ago so you could grow up and get your shit together.  You need to do some self searching and learn your own value before you can let anyone put their value on you.  Also, word of advice..............never beat the shit out of someone when they are passed out drunk to the point that they wake up.  That's fucking immature. 

Furthermore, the fact that you are bringing some of my best friends into your hot mess makes you pathetic.  You don't want to break up with your boyfriend because you are afraid we/they won't hang out with you is stupid.  Pretty much the only reason you are around now is because you are your man's ride.  I can't deal with your drama and your lies and I don't think anyone around me wants to deal with that nonsense either.  You both are far younger, mentally, then all of us. 

Here's a news flash for you, YOUR MEAL TICKETS ARE OVER!  I think I speak for everyone when I say we are tired of paying for you and your man.  FYI, your scum asses owe me $10 but I guess I will take the jail and fucked up face as payback. 

I'M OVER IT!

OVER IT....................................
Category: Life

I am totally over not being 21 already.  This is a bunch of nonsense.  I am like the one friend that holds everyone back.  I should just lay low until 2009.  I mean like when I was hanging out with Ken back in March and I had to remind him that I am not 21 and I wasn't sure if I would be able to get in with him, the look on his face was one of those, FUCK!!!!!!!!!!  I felt pretty bad after that because I know that it sucks big dick not being able to do shit because of one person.   I mean that time everything worked out and there wasn't a problem with me going in.  My rack speaks louder than any plastic card.

I mean I kind of have that problem when a party is 18+ and one of your friends is like 17 or it is 18+ for girls and 21+ for guys and some of your guy friends are 20. That shit makes me feel bad because I don't want to go out and have a good time without them but then again they don't want to hinder anyone from going out and enjoying themselves. 

FUCK THIS 21+ BULLSHIT MAN!!! 


I know everyone is going to be like get a fake I.D. but that shit is fucking stupid.  Yeah, then you get busted by the cops or for some reason you get pulled over and they decide to search your shit and you are FUCKED!  Hello, it is considered identity theft in that state of Florida and I believe you have to spend 90 days in jail  minimum.  That's if you can afford a lawyer that isn't retarded and gets you off. 


I wish I could just sleep until my 21st Birthday.  Most of the times I go out, I only end up drinking 1-5 beers at the club max.  It's not like I am a raging alcoholic.  I only drink every once and a while, like at clubs, concerts, or parties but not heavy and never hard liquor. 




Anyways, enough about the 21+ nonsense.  My side has been hurting for like 2 weeks now.  At first I would get pains every once and a while.  Now I am getting the pain constantly and it is worse.  On top of everything my side is swollen.  I can feel either my Kidney or part of my liver, not too sure, bulging out.  I should probably go to the doctors but I've been busy at work and didn't want to leave then empty handed.  Plus there is nothing like waking the parents up at 3am and getting them to drive you to Memorial Hospital's Emergency Room.

I probably shouldn't be smoking or drinking mass amounts of Diet Pepsi.  I can't resist man.  Oh well, maybe I will get lucky and have to go under the knife.  Every time I have had surgery I lost 20 lbs and kept it off.  So this shit would be sweet right about now.  I hope there isn't a problem with my liver, I would rather lose a kidney then have shit  fucked up with my beer buddy.  I am really hoping it is just a swollen appendix or maybe the baby making organs.  I would love for those to go away forever!!!!!!!  Anyways, if I am not on for the weekend or if you can't reach me, you know why. 

Good Cop, Bad Cop
Current mood: giggly

Work meetings are so lame.  I look at everyone's faces and we all just want to burst out laughing or call people out on their B.O., or because they suck, or because they never give accurate information, or because we don't want to hear their annoying excuses about why they snapped at a client.

OMG!  This kid tried to use the excuse that he snapped at a lady because he had just quit smoking and he was stressed.  Um, what type of lame ass excuse is that?  No one gives a fuck if you sold out and thought being healthy was more important than being skinny.  I'm pretty sure only the very back of the room heard my response to that "that's why you do drugs instead".  I know Austin heard that shit, he bursted out laughing.  lol!

Oh god, I think I zoned out for like more than half of the meeting.  The rest of the night was just hilarious because people were stressing out. 

God, everyone does not know how hard it was for me to not burst out with a sexual joke after the line "sometimes you have to play good cop, bad cop" was used.  OMG!  I had to hold back so hard.  I think that is why I zoned out because in my mind I was at the same meeting but I actually made the joke and it ended in two seperate ways.  The first way, Krystal bursts out "CHANTAL! OMG!" and starts laughing and then the room begins to laugh.  The second way was me being fired.  I'm pretty sure the first way was how it would of gone though.  DAMN, I SHOULD OF SAID IT, now I will never know. 




IN NON-LAME NEWS;  EXXXOTICA IS ONLY $35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Omg, I couldn't even get a hooker on US-1 to rub me out for that price.  FRESHNESS!  I'm like 80% positive that I am going to go just because I have no shame and come this time next year I hope to be a recovering porn addict. 

I'm not making any promises that I will be returning to S.A. any time soon........................let's just say that is more like a New Year's Resolution for 2058.


Plus, I KNOW MY DREAM MAN IS THERE, I don't think I KNOW!  He's most likely got about a 5 inch dick (fully erected), white, mid 30s to late 40s (not a problem, I generally enjoy the company of much older men especially when it is against my will), divorced or never came close to marrying (which means the thought of fucking him forever made most women he was with commit suicide), most likely he will have major baggage (talking about kids not his manic depression/cutting), and maybe a sex offender...................maybe.  I mean I don't mind a man with a criminal past, it is a turn on.  Especially if you have to go to the prison to see them and they are chained to a chair in their orange jump suit, with a complete rubber face shield.  I know I speak for a lot of women when I say, complete and total aphrodisiac. 



I mean you never know, I could lose my job and have to resort to getting paid for sexual favors as a full time job and not just for extra cash. 


With that being said I will be giving 2 for 1 favors at Gator Run Elementary School this Sunday.  Meet me at the "Parent Drop-Off" circle. 

eXXXotica FUCKS miami

Next weekend, April 18-20, all of my favorite sluts will be in town working their dirty whore magic at the Miami Convention Center.  I have yet to attend a single eXXXotica Convention since my 18th Birthday so I am pretty much slacking.  I am going to try to attend at least 1 day this year.  I AM FUCKING EXCITED!!!  I mean come on, think of all the potential baby's daddies, HEY BOOOOOOIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!  Omg, finally I will be able to find someone that will attend S.A..  Fucking sweetness. 



PLEASE DO NOT BOTHER ME NEXT WEEKEND.............



   Unless of course you want to come with me then in that case be sure to bring $500 cash, any valuable jewelry you may own, photo identification, your birth certificate, and please park all baby strollers at the far west parking lot.  Don't worry the parking attendant may say he doesn't watch children but that doesn't mean he won't enjoy touching them.  Also you must tell no one where you are going and who you are meeting after all the best things in life are kept a secret.  I will be wearing an all black latex cat suit complete with face mask.  Be sure to bring a plastic bag, for the fluid of course, I will be providing the ball gag, rope, shovel, lime, and any cutting device your little heart desires. 



If the above sounds like something you are interested in, you all have my number.

4 years boils down to 1 hour and 30 mins

Ever since I graduated college in ’06 it has been a battle to get this shitty ass University to release my degree to me.  Someone fucked up my credit audit back in ’06 and it said "DEGREE COMPLETE".  Well, I guess at the end of that school year they decided to stop counting a certain History class that I took towards the degree I was receiving and completely got rid of that course all together.  HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?  The damn counselor should have told me when I registered for that course that pretty much I was taking it for shits and giggles.  So, for the past two years I have been battling this shit hole school for my fucking degree and now it comes down to 1 hour and 30 mins of my life...................and $90.  I have to take a CLEP test for one course on the CLEP list and get a 50 or higher.  If I can do that then, boom, I will walk out with my middle fingers held high and a big fucking grin on my face.

Really, there is only one small problem...................there are only 5 course that I can CLEP out of.  I took all the other classes while I was in college.  Damn, I would have loved to CLEP out of Chemistry.  I’m a fucking god when it comes to that shit.  Unfortunately, most of those CLEP tests are foreign languages.  I mean if I had $90 to kill I would just take one that I knew I would fail, just to see what the hell that test was like.  I mean I can only imagine what the Japanese CLEP exam is like, that shit must be crazy as hell.  You would have to be fluent to pass that. 

Anyways, I think I am going to CLEP CGS 1077.  I took CGS 1100 in school and um that’s clearly a different computer course, so that fucking school can’t even tell me that shit won’t count.  I mean CGS 1077 has to be the retarded computer class.  I fell asleep everyday in the CGS 1100, except for when the Haitian woman started sitting next to me but that is because her body odor was so bad I couldn’t stop gagging.  That class was the biggest joke ever.  I mean seriously, what type of person doesn’t know how to turn on a computer?  I mean the Haitian woman didn’t know shit but it is understandable since this is the first time she has lived in a place where it didn’t sound like a machine gun going off when it rained.  TIN ROOF REMIX! (that’s for Hugo).

With that being said, wish me luck amigos because next week will be the most important week in the history of my shitty American education.  I mean I lived in 3rd World Countries that had a better education system then this DEVELOPED NATION. 

Slackers

I’m sick of all these fucking lazy ass slackers in my life.  What the fuck is wrong with people my age?  I just don’t understand why they are so lazy when they are at work.  Hello, you are getting paid...DO SOMETHING!!!!!!! 

Whatever, so far none of them have lasted and those that are still lazy will be dismissed soon enough. 

God, if being a piece of shit was a job skill these motherfuckers would be CEOs. 


End of story.

The real secret to baking cookies/How I spent my vacation...

    Seriously, you could mix everything together and have the perfect cookie dough but if you don’t set the oven temp. correctly, then you could be faced with the inside cooking too slow and the outside cooking to fast.  That is all I am going to say on that subject.  I will never tell you the correct temp. setting. 


I only had like 3 decent nights on the whole 5 days of vacation.  Wednesday, really late Friday, and Saturday were the only good days.  I spent the majority of my vacation watching Sasha Grey films. 

THE MISSION MELBOURNE

Never, ever will I use MAPQUEST again!  It failed me one time before and I decided to give it another chance and it almost killed us!

Krystal and I drove up to Melbourne yesterday to go to The Mission Veo show.  We were on Florida Turnpike and needed to cut over to I-95 so we ended up
on the Yeehaw Jct. 

The Yeehaw Jct. is super popular in Central Florida because of Disney World.  There are a million billboards for this thing so I assumed taking that exit would take me through civilization.  I keep looking at the lack of gas on my gas gauge and can’t stop laughing so Krystal busts out laughing.  At this point, we are in the middle of Orange Fields and Portable Toilets.  We keep seeing signs for I-95 with arrows pointing straight ahead but no highway in sight.  Finally, we freakin’ find a gas station and I-95.  There is just one problem, the first gas station I go to has a vomit inducing bathroom and no gas, and Krystal and I are pretty sure the dude working there had the HIV. 

Really I just want to make one thing clear, MELBOURNE IS PLACE YOU GO TO, WHEN YOU WANT TO DIE!  The majority of the people that live there are retired and pretty much on their last dasy.  The rest of them are so redneck!  ugh!  All in all it was an awesome show and seriously, Krystal, Manny, Karsten, Ben, and I had the greatest Paramore sing-a-long in the history of cars.  I didn’t even know that you could crowd surf in a car but Ben proved me wrong.  He freaking surfed from the front of the car all the way to the back.  It was amazing! 

Oh yeah, and here’s how my bar tab went:
just keep in mind that I am at the same bar the whole time.



I bought 3 new castles for $13.50
then I bought 2 for $9.00
then I bought 1 for $5.00

then I bought 3 New Castles and 1 Bud light for $18.00



WTF?  Karsten totally called them out on it and they just shrugged their shoulders. 

Krystal and I left the Hustler club and hit up a local Steak N Shake because it has pretty much become tradition and it is the only thing open past 5pm in Melbourne.  This guy behind me kept waving at Krystal and trying to get her to look at him, lol!  Our waiter was on so fucked up it wasn’t even funny.  He most likely smoked crack 5 minutes before we got there.  Seriously, the whole place was weird.  We just wanted to get back to Fort Lauderdale.


In the end Krystal and I made it home in a little over 2 hours thanks to my need for speed.

ALL HAIL, MIAMI <3
Current mood: accomplished

TASTE OF CHAOS LAST NIGHT WAS GLORIOUS!

Supposedly, my cookies are legendary now. 




Also, I have finally found what I want to do with my life.  I’m going to open a low-grade/high-sleaze motel.  Our motto is going to be "HEY AT LEAST THE DOORS LOCK!"  There will be a dead hooker in every closet and if it isn’t fresh enough we will go out and kill ya a new one! 


That’s pretty much it. 


P.S.  Never piss off Ken

BROWARD MALL BLOOD BATH
Current mood: angry

Today I went to Broward Mall to go pick up something I had ordered at FYE.  So I get into the parking lot and it is a bit full.  I notice someone pulling out of a space up front so I wait with my turn single going and I really don’t have to worry about any asshole turning in to the spot because it is a one way lane and no one else appears to be around.  So the car backs up and drives off, this old guy fucking walks over and stands in the spot.  So I wait for a minute thinking he is just cutting through then about 5 minutes later he is still standing there doing nothing.  I was going to honk my horn but I was afraid that he might piss himself so I wait a little longer. 

Finally, I’m just fucking pissed because I need to get in and get out so I can make it to work on time.  So, I roll down my window, "HEY CRYPT KEEPER, WHAT ARE DOING?  I’M NOT GOING TO HELP YOU KILL YOURSELF, I DON’T BELIEVE IN EUPHANASIA IN PARKING LOTS!  LET’S HURRY THIS SHIT UP!"  The guy tells me that he is waiting for his wife so she can take the spot.  "YOU CAN’T FUCKING HOLD A SPOT WITHOUT A VEHICLE, DICK!"  Like what the fuck!  So now I am seriously pissed off, like pretty much just as pissed off as the time that other old bitch cut me off at the bank.  Like I had to tell him "JUST ONE FUCKING PUSH ON THE PEDAL OLD MAN AND YOU’RE FUCKING DONE!"  Of course this happened in the parking lot in front of the bus stop so of course all the people waiting for the bus think I’m a fucking asshole because I want the spot that should rightfully be mine. 

Why do old people think they can do whatever the fuck they want just because they are dieing sooner?  Fuck those motherfuckers!  They can’t push me around because I was born 6 decades after them, I WAS THERE FIRST!  It comes down to the principle of the matter and the principle in a parking lot is "FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE".


That old guy needs to go eat a bag of baby dicks!

ABORT YOUR BABY!
Current mood: angry

Why do people think babies are cute?  They are fucking disgusting!  I hate babies, they look like aliens and all they do is stare, shit, sleep, and eat. 

New moms suck!  It’s like they try to act like they are fucking amazing and their kid is like the biggest genius ever.  YOUR BABY IS RETARDED!  I will only be impressed by your baby if they can spell my name right because it takes a genius to do that shit nowadays!  Also, stop trying to act like that baby was the best thing to ever happen to you.  Come on, that baby ruined your life and rapidly crushed your dreams.  You should of just done yourself a favor and paid the $7 for a box of condoms instead of letting people know you are a hoe.  Or you could of spent 3-4 months saving your money for an abortion which probably would have been the smart thing to do.  I hate people that are like oh I’m going to have the baby and give it up for adoption.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Why would anyone want a baby that it’s own mother didn’t want?  EEEW!!!!  Why would you do that to your child?  I mean you never know what type of life that kid is going to have and you will end up wondering what happened to your bastard child later on.  The guilt alone is enough to make me abort.

I want to start an organization to help raise money to pay for abortions for those that can’t afford them.  I’m a tax payer and I sure as hell don’t want my money to pay for someone who isn’t responsible.  It’s your life, your body, but it is our money.  Keep that shit in mind the next time you want to unwind.  Motherfucker I don’t want to pay my own bills let alone everyone else’s.

I was at the mall early one day last week and I had gone out drinking heavily with some friends and tried to actually be nice about to some woman about her fucking shitty kid because it seemed like national new mom day at the mall and shit.
I tried to compliment this woman on her baby.  I was like "wow, that’s really amazing of you to care for a child with Down Syndrome.  I mean its going to be a battle for life and it takes an amazing person to not just give up".  The fucking bitch snapped!  I guess her baby didn’t have Down Syndrome, HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!  Let me tell you, I’m no fucking doctor but someone was missing their 23rd chromosome and it sure as fuck wasn’t me.  I’m pretty sure if you would of showed her a picture of what her kid was going to look like when she found out she was pregnant, she probably would of aborted it. 



The lesson of this whole thing is ABORT YOUR BABY, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! 



Thanks! 



P.S. I’m sorry if this offends some of you that may be anti-abortion but everyone has their own opinions. 


  

LUCKIEST BITCH FOR THE MONTH OF MARCH IS....

ME!!!  Holy shit, I’ve fucking won like 30 free Diet Pepsi drinks.  I RULE!  I’m getting $100 cash tonight for taking some shit to fucking Miami/Homestead for a client because that fucker during the day don’t know what the fuck he is ever talking about and deserves to be punched in the face for bitching about my vacation when he has been here the least amount of time and deserves to be run over. 

Also, I got $20 last week for nothing.  COME ON!  I RULE!

ANYWAYS, BOOZE ON ME TONIGHT AND TOMORROW!  FUCK YEAH!  Let’s have a damn good time.

DUCT OFF
Current mood: content

The trunk of my car has been fixed.  I decided to go to the low-grade mechanics.  Pretty much guys that used to break into cars for a living back in the day but now slave away in the garage.  Those dudes totally knew what was up.  They didn’t even use proper terminology. 

They came out and were like "yeah, come here gurl.  Let me tell chu sumting.  See dis here metal piece.  Some motherfucker tried to jack ur sheeeeeeeet.  Ok, so chis wut I do. I grabbed this here bar and bent that motherfucker back into place.  Then I took this fucking screw, hey chu payin attention.  FUCKUS with me.  (that was hilarious) So I took chis screw and fucking put it here.  That be all." 

The best part was that it was only $70 and I got an oil change with that nonsense. 

That gives me a total savings of $1,730.00.

I didn’t even blow anybody.  It was awesome. 

From now on, I will only let someone work on my car if they look like they are going to steal it. 


Now my left headlight is out.  SON OF A BITCH! 

MANNY & CHANTAL
Current mood: loved

Chantal: I need to lose way more weight
Manny: Haven’t you already lost enough weight, geez (blows cig smoke out)
Chantal: NOOOOO, I need to be like 90 lbs, GOD!
Manny: (laughs) True, you have to be there tomorrow.  I’m debuting my new Mission Veo outfit.
Chantal: OMG!  I’m THERE!  I LOVE YOU
Manny: (sexy metal whisper/too much MSI in the brain) I love you!




You see Manny Veo is my boyfriend.  I love him, he pretends to love me in a sexual way, we go out places and I always pay, I cover for him when he is in need, and I always support him.  Of course there will be that time when I cheat on him with someone who is a heterosexual then I’ll have to admit it, we will cry, hug, I will buy him a gift, and then we will go back to how we always used to be.   Eventually the relationship (more like my obsession) will turn toxic and will lead me to a life of hard narcotics, I will lose everything, and be forced to prostitute (actually work the streets not Craigs list) where I will be arrested, serve time, and eventually be released. 



No matter what I LOVE MANNY VEO!  

LANGERADO......./SICKNESS
Current mood: sick

Langerado blew major dick, like more dick than a bitch at the Bunny Ranch.  I only went for the fucking Beastie Boys and because I got in for free. 

First off, I ended up having to wait almost 2 hours at Will Call for my ticket because that stupid bitch Jennifer didn't call fucking Ethan and confirm that shit.  Finally Ricky had to call Ethan and hand that hoe his cell phone.  Bitch knew she fucked up once she realized that we seriously weren't playing. 

After all that ticket nonsense was done we had to drive 30 more miles into the everglades for the concert.  I don't know who's bright idea it was to have the concert at Big Cypress but they should be shot in the face!  We were stuck on a single lane, dirt road for 3 hours.  I had to piss, so Ricky had to cut the lights and he ended up misting me with the windshield wiper fluid which disturbed my piss so I ended up not going. 

Once I finally got to park my car it was like a 20 min walk to the actual gate.  I met up with everyone inside and Ricky and I saw the end of The Roots.  Then we headed over to watch the Beastie Boys.  The hippies were fucking disgusting and retarded.  Seriously, ugliest crowd in concert history.  This show beat out all the ugliness of Jacksonville's Planetfest 7 and that show was morbidly obese and ugly.  These hippies had the worst body odor and were fucked up on a whole different level.  OMG, like I never understood the U.S.'s War on Drugs campaign until this show.  Motherfuckers are retarded for life.  I think I was one of four people wearing shoes.  Ugh, that place was so gross. 

Oh god, I almost like tripped and fell walking in that fucking field too!  There tree roots sticking out and no fucking lights so Ricky and I had to wage war with shrubs and shit.  The cops there were all Seminole Indians (because it is on Seminole land) so they were all morbidly obese, alcoholic, heroin addicts, who love to gamble and smoke a carton of cigs a day.  Not like I'm stereotyping or anything, I'm just saying what I saw. 

I wish I was a Seminole just so I could murder mother fuckers out there and get pardoned for that shit.  I know that most of those people are not productive in society.  Fuck, I need to stop.  Langerado fucking sucked, Beastie Boys ruled except their was sound was shitty as fuck and so was their lighting, that shit was weak! 




In other news I am ridiculoid sick.  Now you may be asking what constitutes ridiculoid sick?  Well, I fucking shat myself today, no joke.  It was just a little and I didn't even realize I was doing it because I was so sick in my bed.  I had to walk out of my room and tell my dad that I need to shower because I shat my pants while there are workers putting cabinets in my kitchen.  EMBARASSING!  My dad was like so disgusted he didn't even want to know any more.  So I took a shower and thought everything would be okay.  Then I threw up on my pillow all this mucus and fucking slept in that shit.  I woke up and my hair was mashed to my face.  So, I had to take another shower and I will be burning my bed linens tomorrow. 

I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better but I think that is because I have managed to drink two bottles of Tylenol Cold.  I know it says every 4 hours but shit I need that every 2 hours.  I will most likely O.D. tomorrow at work, if only! 

Blue Light Special

Go buy yourself some self-esteem.  I heard that Wal-Mart has it as the Blue Light Special right now. 

 The only man I want at work is MANNY!  That's it!  So everyone else you hoes can keep.

BAKING SEASON, COMMENCE!

Well, the end of March is going to be a hectic baking season for me!  John is coming home for two weeks.  In case you don't know he has been deployed to Eastern Afghanistan.  I'm really excited to see him.  Then I will also have my favorite cookie monster and quite possibly my number one baking fan, Ken will be down with TOC.  With that being said I'm venturing into working with some new flavors.  Hopefully I will be able to reveal some new cookies and figure out what works and what doesn't. 

Some of you may or may not know but the only cookie I will actually eat is Peanut Butter so I will be using my close friends and my mom as testers.  So please do not be surprised when I start showing up with bags of cookies to the office and forcing them down your throats.  LOL!  Just kidding!  But if you don't eat them I'm going to take it as a sign of disrespect.  Just think, what would BOBBY LABONTE DO?  I betcha he'd eat that cookie. 


Thanks!