CHANTAL

THE QUEST FOR QUALITY TOBACCO

Well, since I can never really sleep until the day time anyways, I found myself early yesterday morning on a quest for quality tobacco products, that means Cloves. The following events took place between the hours of 4:00am-7:00am on Jan. 10, 2008.

4:00am-5:00am
It was at this moment as I checked my email that I realized, damn I should only smoke black cigs because I'm a fucking rebel. I then googled "black cigs" which led me to google the suggested "Clove Cigarettes". I found this great site about Cloves and it had this beautiful piece about how most people with lung or allergy problems are more likely to die from Cloves, it truly touched me. That really fucking made me want them even more. So it was at this moment that I decided anything that can kill me with one puff is worth a try. So, I put on my pants, shoes, and a jacket and gathered my massive purse and headed for the driveway. I smoked a couple of Benson & Hedges 100s with the windows up (oh god never smelt so good) and started mapping out every open gas station in the area.

5:00am-6:00am
I finally put the car in drive. I get out of my lovely gated community/prison and hit up the first gas station in town. I pull up the SHELL and ask the guy through the bullet proof glass (bullet proof glass in weston=Hilarious) if he has any Cloves. He says he doesn't know what Clove Cigarettes are......................come on you're fucking black! I'm not a racist or anything but Black & Mild and Cloves is what your babies are raised on, well other than Old English. This is failure 1, so I jump back in my car and hit up the next gas station, the Circle K by the Weston Movie Theatre. First off I pull up and there is a Sunrise Police officer inside drinking coffee, reading the paper, and eating a danish. When the fuck did the shitty ass Circle K become the oinker's spot? Did I not get the memo? So the guy that worked behind the counter was totally from India................I thought this would be success seeing how Cloves come from Indonesia and are very popular in the general Asia/Middle East area. I ask him if he sells Cloves...................No! FUCKER! I swiftly walk out and don't back talk because I don't want to upset the fucking oinker shoving his face. I jump back in my ride. That was Failure 2! Now I find myself driving to the next stop, over the bridge into fucking redneck/white trash/trailer trash land or as the map would call it, Davie. To these people I am a dirty rich spic so I am definitely not welcomed in this part of town. Most of these people think I come from the future or some shit like that. I pull into a BP and ask the dude if he sells Cloves, he says no, I exited swiftly. That was Failure 3! I knew the next stop would be my hardest battle yet. Exxon/The Country Store, the name says it all.............every hillbilly in a hundred mile radius shops at this place. It is a low class gas station stop and I would rather sit in my own piss for 500 miles than piss in their bathroom.
I park at the pump because I figure it would be best for me to park in a well lit area. There are about 4 Ford trucks outside flying the most racist flag ever high and proud. I take a deep breath and walk to the store, this one guy was standing outside the door and he totally was so fug I threw up in my mouth. I go inside and make my point across fast, do you have any Cloves? The response "we don't sell those kinds of cigarettes here, we got plenty of "American Smokes"." American Smokes, wtf is that shit supposed to mean? Every smoker knows that it takes little chinese fingers to roll little tabacco products, am I wrong? This slightly angered me even more than I already am from the constant failure. This gas station ended with this line "What, does no one smoke quality Tobacco in this hell hole?" This time I ran to my car, jumped in, and floored it out. That was Failure 4.

6:00am-7:00am
Then something clicked in my head there is nothing more sleazy than the Cumberland gas station right down the street. People take their babies to the bar next door, surely they must have Cloves. I drive there and once again, no cloves. That was Failure 5. Then, something clicked in my head, there was this corner store down this back road and those mother fuckers got shit that I know isn't even legal in this country. It was a 15 minute out of the way drive each way, it was worth a shot. I take all these shitty back roads pass a couple of 8 year olds out slutting it up while their single mom works her 5 shift of the day and make my way to the store. WTF, CLOSED!!!!! THESE PEOPLE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SLEEP! EVERYONE SHOULD SLEEP WHEN I SLEEP, JESUS CHRIST! This was Failure 6.
On my way back to my house I stopped at Mobile and no luck, Failure 7. Then I stopped at a Race Track, that was Failure 8. The next gas station was fucking hilarious! I pull up to this Shell right on the outskirts of Weston. I pull up, get out of my car, walk over to the door, and right as I get to the door the guy runs over locks the door and holds up a cardboard sign that reads "CLOSED FOR SHIFT CHANGE". What? Do these people not know how to make schedules? The whole point of having multiple people working different shifts is so that a 24 hour gas station never has to close because someone always shows up to relieve the other person. There are no breaks, no pauses, no lights out! YOU ARE 24 HOURS. I refused! I tapped on the window and was like do you have Cloves? The jerk points to his sign......................"listen asshole I didn't ask if you were closed because you're 24 hrs. so the obvious answer is NO, I asked if you have CLOVES? AS IN THE CIGARETTES, they are all black." He looked shocked, he didn't reply and I just finally said Fuck you and left. That was Failure 9. I finally made it home in time to watch Judge Hatchett and pass the fuck out.


I think I need to stop going on these quests. First Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and now this. All I have to say is that atleast I got New Castle Brown Ale out of one of them.






Hopefully my next quest will be successful!